mylilworld

Is it just me?

2011-09-21T07:29:00.002+05:30

Ever since I joined the 'techie' group
And my fingers got accustomed to the keyboard
I find it increasingly difficult to wield a pen on a paper
Even though mostly all I need to do is sign over a black dotted line
Is it just me?
I can download almost any book online for free in a matter of seconds
But my love of reading from a 'real book' cant be conquered
I simply cant stop myself from frequenting the book shop by the corner
Is it just me?
I get ecards on all milestones in my life
and e-mails from friends all over the world
But the greeting cards from school friends
are still safe in my box of precious lil stuff
Is it just me?
No matter where you are in the world, I can see you
Its just a click on an IM window
But nothing beats the feeling of seeing you
when you come back home
Is it just me?
And it goes on and on...
I often wonder -
Is it just me?

Pick on someone your own size

2009-09-30T19:26:00.005+05:30

It was the month of June. The monsoon gods were benevolent than ever. Rain mercilessly lashed the place.

All seemed to be good until one day we spotted 'it'. At Different places. Different times.

'It' was ..

a tail's end...it drove us to our wit's end when it happened to be there for one moment and ceased to exist for another,

a dash from one room to the other...my hopes were dashed when my mother casually gave it a name 'A Rat!'.

Well 'it' was a tiny lil rodent... that had decided to visit our home and unleash all doom!! And doom it was...perturbed sleepless nights ...I didn’t sleep that night or the next or the nights after that ... covered myself from head to toe in two bed sheets, skipped the mandatory (until then) midnight leak. Scared to bits by the slightest movement or touch, I refused to move around the house without a 'chaperone'.

My peace of mind was 'shattered'...The prospect of returning from school unnerved me. The prospect of leaving the house for school was a welcome relief. I knew I couldn’t keep up with these extremes of emotions for long!

I begged my mother to find and kill the rodent. Tried my best to convince my grandparents that there was an 'uninvited visitor' in the house, who had decided to stay longer than expected. The only outcome of my pleas was some rat poison cakes placed in 'strategic' locations, all untouched. And that was the humble and simple first step of 'Operation Smoke Out' !

As 'amateurs in the game', my sister and I were shown samples of the rat poison cake, instructed not to 'touch' or 'taste' or 'smell' them ( what was anyway the possibility of eating a bright blue bar that resembled the 'Rin' bar???). The locations were disclosed to us in great secrecy and hushed tones lest the little rodent would eavesdrop on us hidden in 'bunkers' behind the cupboard or under the bed.

And then one 'fateful' day... I woke up listening to bits and pieces of discussions. Words like 'chickpea', 'water', 'cake' , 'blue' were interspersed in the conversations. My mother had left some chickpea soaked in water overnight. And the little visitor had sampled quite a lot of them. Well wasn't 'it' messy!! Bits of the half - 'devoured' chickpea lay all over the kitchen floor and in some parts of the home. What is worse the water in the container had turned blue!! (We had heard of water turning into wine but not blue!). My mother took a resolve to beat out 'whoever' had ever so even dared to lay a finger (or a tail) (or a gnawing tooth) on her chickpea. Well all that was good to hear and know, but I didn’t quite expect anything.

That evening when I was in my room, I heard some noises. ..in my room!I ran out and claimed, 'The rat is in my room...I know I know for sure!!' Mother dismissed me at the very instant - 'You are just imagining things.' She asked my sister, the trusted lieutenant, to go to the room along with me. Barely 2 minutes later were we both out! And the 'Smoke Out' squads were at work.

My grandmother was at the helm screaming out instructions to my grandfather, the only brave one, who volunteered to thrash the rodent to death with a stick that was used to brush away cobwebs. He thumped the stick as he marched along, in tune to my grandmother's bellowing voice. We prodded and pushed my father behind him. He reluctantly hobbled behind him, keeping a good distance. My sister and I had already climbed onto the diwan in the living room and clung onto each other. My mother kept scanning the room to monitor movements of the enemy...to check if the enemy had passed us or not.

Thump! Thump! Thud! Thud! Thump!

Some more thump-ings and thud-dings.. No idea about the whereabouts.

And just as fingers were beginning to point accusingly at my sister and me for making up stories. Grandfather called out 'There it comes!' We tried to peer into the room from where we were standing, but never once relinquishing our bases.

What followed was my father dashing out from the room screaming 'ahh..right behind me' .

Close on his heels was a tiny ball whizzing off at the speed of light or so. It went aimed right at my grandmother as she stood in the way. She was plump and had a roundish figure. I often wondered how she balanced but I was proven wrong! In display, was a 'ballet' performance by her, twirling from left to right, then right to left on toes, all the while dishing out instructions to anyone and everyone who cared to listen in the pandemonium unleashed.

Well the little guy seemed to have outwitted us, but I was so relieved that I could sleep in peace in the one 'rodent- free- for- sure' room in the whole 'rodent infested' house. I think I was going over the board but I really could do with a peaceful night's sleep.

That night the rat made sure my grandparents didn’t sleep. I woke up to yet another uncertain day...for in the morning, my grandmother confirmed the dreaded - there were more than one!! She had pledged something to St George to get rid of the rats.

When I dragged myself back to home that day, my mother stood waiting for me, with her best big smile on. Finally the fish, oops the rat, did bite...not just one but two of them. One was caught and thrashed while roaming around the house in an intoxicated gait. The other was spotted in the unused old washing machine. The dead 'bodies' were in the yard awaiting burial 'rites' from my father who was searching for the tools.

Gleeful that the 'torture' had come to an end, I ran towards the spot and shook my fist at the remains-

'Pick on someone your own size'!

And marched back, ever the brave heart! ;)

Tried, but..

2009-09-29T21:24:00.005+05:30

Tried in vain to

catch the moment in folded palms
Forever the same...can it freeze in time ?

let the laughter ring...last and just be
A withering hope.. will it echo later in hollow moments of empty promises and futile hopes?

let the faces be sketched in memory
A salvage ...to summon when memory fades until it fails?

to bite away the pain..
for more often that not
you can never know the last you..
would be enquired about,
matter to someone to be shown how much,
belong somewhere,
get a smile, a hug unasked for,
have a shoulder to cry on,
have a compatriot to share a joke,
can be yourself.

to be grateful
to know this is the last.

2008-11-28T19:35:00.004+05:30

You might get a moment to decide,
or maybe you get years.
But no matter what..
The moment will elapse.
The hour will go by.
Time will run away.

There's no turning back.
This is a one-way.

There's no second chance.
This is the only one.

There's no retry.
There's only a legacy - A memory that's etched.

There's only a choice.
To trudge through the 'Today' you chose,
Bearing the legacy of 'Yesterday',
Looking out for the slightest ray of hope
in the fog of doubt,
Hanging onto every word of fate
to hear a favourable verdict,
For a Tomorrow you dream of.

Foot in Mouth

2008-08-01T17:02:00.008+05:30

The winner is...ME!!

I just have this unique knack of blurting out what exactly (or maybe just about anything) is in my mind.
I just do not know when I will learn to be diplomatic or subtle.
I do not know when I will learn to think before I open my big mouth.

Shouldn't I have mastered it by now? Well I don't know for sure.

Well I should have or maybe it is okay because there are so many people who do it.

Well maybe it doesn't matter to them because they get the privilege of so many one-liners to their credit.

Forever Santa

2008-07-21T15:50:00.004+05:30

Shhhh!
Ya better watch out! Ya better not cry!
Ya better not pout! I'm tellin' you why...
Santa Claus is comin' to town.
He's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice.
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is comin' to town.

My earliest memories of Christmas is waking up to the voice of Jim Reeves belting out a xmas number. I would know christmas was round the corner when most mornings began this way. My father, a die hard fan of music, used to play christmas songs from a recorder. He had a huge collection; his favourites being Jim Reeves, Carpenters among others.

My sister would plan how to decorate the christmas tree. And I, her forever satellite, would revolve around her plans and do my bit..We used to make stars, wreaths, santa faces, mistletoes ( I never knew then if you stood underneath a mistletoe, you could get kissed!!), gingerbread men, candy sticks, candles and arrange them all around the tree. My sister would come up with a new idea every year. The last time we decorated a tree, she made a cute little crib. The nativity scene with the angel descending...Can you imagine that? Maybe not .. because it was prettier than you can imagine.

Our house used to overflow with delicacies! My mom used to bake batches of fruit cakes for everybody we knew. Her cake is relished by friends (we moved from that city years ago) even now when we meet up. We used to sneak around to lick the batter. Do you know that there's no greater joy than trying to do that when your ma wont see:) I do it even now.
My mother used to save the egg shells for the santa faces..that was christmas!!

We also used to make greeting cards for our grandparents, other relatives and friends and post them well in advance. The cards we used to receive would be arranged some where in the living room..

The house used to look so beautiful..with the lingering 'christmasy' feel:)

One Christmas was so special.

I'm tellin' you why.... Santa Claus is comin' to town. He did come!!

That Christmas.. I woke up to find two books under my pillow:) My sister and cousin brother were also surprised to find two books each under their pillow:)I got a book on Alladin. My sister and cousin got books on King Arthur.

Well weren't we surprised and thrilled to bits!!

I used to read that book many years later too. It is the prettiest book I have. The jewels that Alladin discovered shines through the pages..

Over the years, I lost track of the book. But never memories of that day. For that was the Christmas when Santa visited me!
It was much later that I came to know that it was my dear little father who decided to be Santa!

He sees you when you're sleepin'.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Ya better watch out!
Ya better not cry!
Ya better not pout!

I wonder if I wasn't a really good kid later for that was the first and last time Santa remembered me to give me a gift when I was sleeping. :) My forever Santa..

The Tithe

2008-03-19T11:47:00.013+05:30

Tithe is an offering in thanksgiving to one's God. It is the one-tenth part of a revenue and is a practice followed religiously since centuries. Through out the Bible, there are references to different people who have offered their tithes, small or big, unfailingly. An act of gratitude to the benevolent God!

I had never followed this ritual. Nevertheless read on for I think the real life story that unfolds below will make you think about it.

My grandparents have their own land and house in my hometown. I think this is a huge blessing considering the scarcity of land nowadays.
We came to our hometown to settle down when we were kids. It was a relief that our praents didn't have to go through the pain of finding/building an appropriate place to stay as we already had one, which was meant to be ours eventually.
In the early days spent there, i used to observe my grandfather toiling with some tools in the land besides our house in the evenings. As dusk approached, my grandmother used to shout from inside asking him to get into the house. Some days, before he finished up, he usually called one of us kids. If I were the chosen one, I would make my way grumbling, wading through the mosquitoes, ants and leaves on my face, hands and legs. I would often find him scratching at the mud until he would pull out a vegetable. Sometimes it would be a vegetable called ''chenna' in my native language. He would place it besides some others that he had collected. He was working so that our land gave some produce. Apart from such etables, we also had 4 coconut trees and a huge mango tree. It was 'Eden'. I always used to be in awe.

Some years later, a painful decision was taken to sell a portion of the land. The present layout was such that the house stood in the center with portions of land on either sides. The one that was chosen finally was the one that gave us the vegetables, mangoes and coconuts. The other land had some jasmine bushes apart from coconut trees of course.
I often wondered how they all felt about it and came to the decision. Was it difficult? But i was too young to understand the emotions. Moreover, all signs of emotions were hidden by a shield of practicality. Secretly, my sister and I, young as we were, vowed to buy the land back when we would grow up and make enough money.

Years went by, there was not much activity on the piece of land that was sold. A silver lining!! We might, after all be able to buy the land back..However, even after two years in our respective jobs, neither of us could cough up enough money to buy the land back. But hope was adrift.

Just a few days earlier, my mother mentioned that the present owners of the land were felling down the coconut trees and the huge mango tree. There could be only one motive for clearing up the land - I thought with a feeling of loss, which my mother confirmed too.

Coming up two days later was Hosanna, a day when christians all over the world commemorate Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem. On that day, eons ago, it is believed that people welcomed Him with carpets of palm leaves. Keeping in tradition, families would contribute palm leaves to their parishes and churches, which would inturn be distributed to the believers.

I often used to wonder how so many palm leaves could be collected. My mother was thinking of contributing palm leaves from our remaining land. In the other side, the workers were clearing the land. So she asked them if they could cut some leaves for us from our trees after they were done with their work. They agreed to do so, but said that as they were already felling the coconut trees in the sold piece of land, they might as well give us leaves from those trees.

That evening, our Maruti car was filled with palm leaves. It turned out that as it was a rainy day, climbers refused to go up the coconut trees in many places. There was a low collection in the church until my parents reached there with ours. We ended up supplying about three-fourth of the leaves, with only two other families contributing otherwise.

It felt good to hear that. I rejoiced as a thought crossed my mind. Without realising, we had given our 'tithe', when we least expected to. The land gave back to the creator its last produce.

2008-03-13T12:50:00.008+05:30

Have u reclaimed a friendship? Have u got a 'lost and found' friend? Did someone (u never thought would be your friend) suddenly stretch their hand forward in friendship?

You just couldnt seem to figure out what went wrong.. You could have been best buddies or just acquaintances, but lost contact over time, either purposely or unknowingly. Has it happened to you?

Have you lost an earring? It might not have been your favourite. But still you wonder about it, when you see the remaining one of the pair. Maybe, much to your surprise, you find it after many days. You treasure it from then on..vowing never to loose it again...If this is how you feel about something so trivial, then how much more is it to stumble upon a person you had given up on...

What does it do to you? So much of anxiety, anger, hatred and perturbed feelings just disappear into thin air. You replace it all with a smile you give that person. You are not scared of running into that peron in hallways...You just feel lighter..like a warm cloud!

Do I sound like I am quoting something out of the Bible?

Well it happened to me recently.. an unexpected turn of events.. I haven't felt better before. I am trying to make up for the days I lost..treasuring the friend so that I dont loose sight of him/her again:)

Thought underlying this post:

Rediscover the lost pearls..they shimmer in your otherwise dark days..

2008-01-17T12:22:00.002+05:30

Love - this very strange thing.
It shows up where and when you least expect it to.
Love - this very funny thing.
It surprises you ... In a way that leaves you out of breath.
Love - this very unpredictable thing.
There's no straight formula for this one.

You dont agree? Well read ahead...

He walked into the airline reservation office. 'Hi I would like to book tickets. I need to travel from Boston to ....'
Over the next 20 minutes, she helped him book his tickets according to his itinerary .
'Here you are sir. Have a nice trip!' - she smiled as she handed over the tickets.
'Thanks. I would ..if you would plan the itinerary for my life. It would be a pleasure..What do you say?'. He looked at her.
Well they had to book the tickets for two. ..:) as they did get married,
.....................................................................................................
They never met. He was her cousin's friend. She met him over a chat. They exchanged numbers as they talked about their interests. They did talk frequently for the next few months little bothering about how the other looked. It never even occurred to eask for a photo. They met months later.. when she visited the city he stayed in during a stopover of a couple of hours. Chaahat built over chat?
..........................................................................................................
They met ..for the first time ..during a wedding of a mutual friend. Months later, the friend was pleasantly surprised to be invited for their wedding.
Well now we know marriages can be contagious if your immunity is low ..
...........................................................................................................
One day her mom called - 'We just got a proposal for you. The guy is....' and listed out all statistics about the guy. She listened intently (she wanted to get married when she was 22) calcuating how many cm would 5 foot 7" be.
Somewhere in between of the talk, a standstill...a series of faces flashed by in her mind of people she knew..and finally settled on a face. The shy guy who stopped by her cabin for a chat everyday. A sudden feeling of loss gripped her mind. She cut the phone and ran to his desk though he sat only a few rows away. He was waiting.
Dil Chahta hain style?That is why they say movies are inspired from real people :-)
............................................................................................................
Now do you agree..:-) Believe it or not, all the above are true stories.

The City

2007-11-01T16:56:00.001+05:30

No letter do i have
I tore the photo into bits once
No tangible memory of yours
do I have in possession.
That jacket, the dress and the earrings,
little gifts you showered on me,
all those I can bury away.
It really is not too difficult to discard
but wat stays with me,
wat I fear might never leave me,
all wat i have wid me
to remind me of you are
uncountable places
that cross my everyday path
unavoidable faces
that smile at me
my very means of living..
all are so entangled within the
labyrinth of precious memories I am lost in.
Every moment today
and for how much longer I do not know
gifts me with memories of
bygone dear moments
we spent.

They dont leave my eyes.
They dont spare my imagination.

I wait at the bus stop.
Months before, everyday at 10am, I would wait for your call.
I pass the park
A year back, we spent an evening so dear to my heart.
I eat at the cafeteria
Countless days we waited for the other there.
I see people talking
We too shared our dreams of our unseen, unsure future
built upon our mutual hopes and unfailing love.
Our friends
we shared
Ways
we walked
Mails
we sent

Nothing gives my mind a respite
They swear to haunt my heart forever

When u tell me
'You have to understand'
I try to..
but every memory
clouds my reasoning, my practicality,
crushes the little strength I try to build up,
mocks the resolve I try to stick to.

Sooner or later,
I see myself
gather my bags hurt and lost
to go away
from
this city i grew used to..
For
this city gave me you
and in
this city
You pursue me
even in your absence.
This city i shud leave!
Only then will I know, if forever with me you will stay..

2007-02-15T12:22:00.001+05:30

I thought
I could do it alone..
my intelligence
my work
my time
was only necessary to take me along.

i thought that
You were not required..
bcoz
watever i did
I could see
but
whatever You do,
all Your plans
i cant see in writing
i just thought
that Your word didnt count.
Only mine counted.

Now I stand emptyhanded
all that I had done
has been
wiped away into non existance
before my very eyes
in one wave of Your hand.

All my sweat, my time, my plans
-a mockery by Your one move.

My intelligence ,my work
- nothing in the shadow of Your power

How insignificant am I..
Nothing at all am I..

I realise
that nothing
in my life
is possible
without You willing it.

After all
U are the potter
and I,the clay,
formless and shapeless,
in Your hands..
and unless You didnt will it
I would have always been like that.

I have paid a heavy price..
but the insight and realisation
I have is priceless
Let me bear this in my mind all thru out.
Let me not forget this lesson.

And now
I crawl back
wiping away tears
In Your great mercy
will You forgive me?
In Your hands
I lay my life

Take me Your way
thru the valleys and Hills
for
my vision is myopic
my memory so shortlived

Never ever let me forget
how I started out..

Never ever let me
be arrogant of anything I have..

Never ever let me forget
how my life wud have been...
if You hadnt willed it.
if You hadnt touched it.

2007-02-06T21:49:00.001+05:30

Riding a horse
he swept her away in one go..
They galloped away
to a magic world.....

My fairy tale is quite different..
sans the horse,a prince and his beautiful maid.
Here,we have
Just a room.
That is
My mind.

My mind-a room
a secret place
my comfort zone
which i thought was mine
mine alone

You slipped right into there
My mind
a room that I had done up
all along ..
It had everything that was me.

Yet..
Lil did I notice when

curtains
woven by my dreams
danced to the tunes of a breeze..

memories
captured from my life
lit up again.

cobwebs,
my insecurities and complacence,
were brushed away?

I opened my door
and there you were..

2006-11-10T10:37:00.001+05:30

The train
chugged along
Gaining speed
The beat of my heart
kept pace ...
all along.

As tracks exchanged hands
to take me to my destination
so also the visions in my mind
changed
bringing in stills of the past..
To answer the
persistent,needling questions
of the present.
Striking down endlessly
at a tomorrow
nursed in the depths of my heart.

At times the pace was sluggish..
There I was
refusing to speculate
to ponder over the obvious
yet
getting over the fear to look over the wall.

And slowly
the pace caught up
The scenes ran before my eyes
Swiftly too, did the questions,
banished and ignored,
come hurling at me.

Way above
the dark clouds got together.
In front of me,loomed large
unanswered questions,
insufficient answers,
piling uncertainties.

The clouds adjourned.
The rains lashed.
Unawares,a trail of tears.

A dream stood unfinished.
Someone stood waiting
far away .

The journey continued
over the meandering rivers
cutting thru the proud mountains

The breathing continued unabated
over the wandering thoughts
squeezing thru the inconquerable worries.

The yearning restless
all through
to meet the one.

The gloom did give way.
The clear sky did appear.

All doubts and pains were put to rest
in the power of love
so simple yet true.

This once

2006-08-23T12:41:00.000+05:30

An unfulfilled dream.

A song sung halfway.

A kite caught in the trees.

and more..

To spare my heart
of the whimpering pain
so typical
of crushed hopes,
I convince myself to see
a sad end for everything.

Wishing for it
fully knowing
it cant happen
I debate against it.
Deny any hope.
Ban it from my mind.

But this once
forget I never did...

What happened was
Beyond expectations.
Defying thoughts.
Out of the blue.

To my surprise
The sun rose and shone.
The birds flew in gay abandon.
Flowers smiled to a new beginning.

My little forsaken dream
Had bloomed
right in front of my eyes

What can I say?
A pleasant surprise.
An unexpected visit.
A longlost friend.

And now
I want to believe.
Dare to hope.
Dream.
Wait.

I want to listen
to

The wave call back
to the wind
that touches her.

The butterfly whisper
to the flower
on which he rests his head.

The rain sing
to the parched earth
that has longingly waited.

Its a secret
that only I know
and I want to tell u
what I heard all along..

This time
You will be there to listen
listen to it
for ever more.

A meeting of sorts

2006-06-16T19:22:00.001+05:30

It was a meeting of sorts

And as far as I can remember

this is how it went.

Acquaintance..the early bird

Just came in,uninvited.

You came

and stayed on..

Realisation was a little lazy

He showed up much later.

You were there..

Your unmistakable presence in everything.

Your spirit shone thru..

Your contagious goodness

touched my life

in simple ways.

Comfort slipped in

without anybody noticing.

You were there all through out.

sharing everything,

caring everytime.

Attachment came in.

For all I knew is that..

A smile could begin because of you.

Dreams go on because of u.

A tear can stop because of u.

Much later Awareness showed up

Then things came to a standstill.

For a moment..a pause

Recollection lost his way

and couldnt make it.

When did u become so much a part of my life?

Reality came with a bang!

Posing a lot of questions.

Do I have to give up the sunshine in my life?

Truth joined in

Things came to light

You have become an indispensable part.

But our lives we cant share.

Time was there all along

But was a silent listener

You were a gift.

Now its time for me to give you back.

Pain and Regret left finally,

after Persuasion tried hard,

leaving behind Bitterness.

Will I be able to live with it?

And then Acceptance came over

You were there for a reason.

To be with me for the winter in my life..

Strength was a latecomer

But he sure did make it

I can face it.

I need to believe.

Gratefulness just popped in and left

Thank you for being there in my life.

Sometimes.

2006-04-03T16:38:00.001+05:30

Maybe I stood behind you
in the same queue at the mall
Or..was it you who hummed away
tunelessly at the dentist's?

The first time..
when could it have been?
A morning stroll or
the last football match of the season.

Did I bump into you at a store?
Or were you the one.....

Somehow I cant seem to place you.
But why would I want to know?
Does it really matter?

I mite have known you before.
But my life is fuller
Joys more complete
Sorrows lighter
from the days the paths met.

Its a mystery,
so difficult to fathom,
where explanations fall short.
Here logic fails...
Reason has no answers to offer.

Can I draw an analogy?
Aren't we like the two raindrops
that journeyed from the gates of Heaven
like so many others
Only to soak the same parched earth?

Were you there all along?
Did destiny script it?
Or is it a game played well by chance?
I can never know.

But does it really matter?
How,where,when and why
the stars conspired
to author this new beginning..

Yet I dont quit.
I still wonder.

And..
Sometimes I do see the stars winking at each other..

Along the way...

2005-12-02T14:36:00.000+05:30

Our paths
just happened
to meet
somewhere
along the line...

mayb we are best frnds
or close frnds..gud frnds?
or just acquaintances.

mayb we gossipped,
teased each other
n laughed til we cried.

mayb we have had bad times
n 'no talking ' days.

But somewhere
along the line

mayb in a big way
or in a quiet way...

u have touched my life!

Unsaid

2005-12-01T18:45:00.001+05:30

I was caught unawares
a love arose one fine day
and filled me in a flourish
like the waves
that caress the sunkissed sands.
Then
The love played with my deepest desires
like the winds that tease the paddy fields.
Lil did I realise..
The love I counted on each day
like the morn dew that adorns the green leaf.
Never did I let you know..
The love remained within uncertain and shy to surface
yet growing steadily.
Never did you know
The love slowly choked away and painfully died within.

And never will you know for
the only witness...
the heart that sighed.
the dreams that cracked.
the tear that didnt flow.